Grow Up.

Darkgreen,
Who are you to say that when you rejected taking it in the first place, making an excuse by telling ME not to 'joke around' and take it?
In you come with none other than those words, when you never even TOUCHED the damn thing, and she had to bring it to class eventually.
Have you no sense of responsibility?
You may refer to your SeeseA to counter that, fine, there is responsibility in that, but even then you don't do anything, as you boast so frequently to everyone. And even if you DID show responsibility then, do you think that compensates for EVERY OTHER aspect of life that demands responsibility?
It is a fact that for every project you've been in, that I've seen, you did nothing. Nothing for contribution. And the laziness isn't all.
Accompanying this, there still is Arrogance. The gift of the Brag. Hell, you brag and brag, but never really give others a chance to prove you wrong, do you? Nice my ass. "I listen to what people say" my ass.
I haven't forgotten the possiblity that why you act this way may just be 'for fun', or just you 'joking around'. Ah. joking around. Sound familiar? Look at that first paragraph now.
Anyways, you might say that it's all in good fun but, Mr I-Know-How-Everyone-Feels, think about outcomes such as this. Think about the little flames that build up in whoever has to take your arrogant shit.
I guess you didn't think about that beforehand, Mr Forethought.
Also: Caring for one person doesn't make you an extremely caring. Doesn't make you worthy of saying I'm So Caring. So shut up.

If you do know who you are, and feel that if I "want to say something say it to my (your) face",
maintaining the tough-shit aura you have worked so hard to build, No.
I don't want to say it to you.
I just want this to be my time to actually show how I feel right now, interruptions discluded, stupid bigot schoolgames aside, even if it's written in semi-secrecy.
This is all but a thought bubble, anyway.

I may return to calmness tomorrow, maybe even a state of acceptance for you, forgiveness even, but I'll keep this here as a scar. As a reminder that not all is happy and wonderful and great all the time. And a reminder to the mindless Me of tomorrow, who probably will forget about this after sleep.

(P.S: ARRH.)

(P.P.S: To someone else: You were right. You just didn't know how to express it.)

(P.P.P.S: See what happens when I wake up late and rushing?)

-Zan.

EACH BLINK WILL COST YOU MILLISECONDS.

Thoughts on the way home, outside school:

In primary school, the romance system worked this way:
1: There must be someone you 'like'.
2: 'Who you like' will be the most phenomenal secret in your entire existence.
3: If you ever tell anyone who that person is, it will be told to someone else.
4: It will.

Now as we get older, the romance system gets a little different:
1: There must be someone you like, but you are allowed to switch from time to time.
2: It's not that much of a secret, but if someone knows who it is and asks you if it's true, you are obliged to say "Shut up lah."
3: Usually the person is told, at some point.
4: If you're lucky, you'll go out for a while, and then break up.
5: if you're not, then too bad. That person might just go "Oh. Okay." or "Hah?! really?! Shit!"

Still, we get older, and eventually it will evolve to something like this. Well, for the guys as far as I know:
1: You don't have to 'like' someone.
2: Who you 'like' can be anyone, as long as they look good. (eg. "I'd hit it.")
3: That's pretty much it. And if someone stimulates your feelings enough, you get a girlfriend.

I have yet to know what the situation is like as we age further. Bleh.
Note: THESE ARE ALL ESTIMATES.
PS: I follow the third system, which explains why I can't answer all you idiots going "C'mon, who you like one???" "Don lie lah, must be someone", et cetera.

And here's a thought made while sitting on the tree stump up the hill to home:

I typed the full-stop of this sentence at exactly 6:54pm and 0 additional seconds, January the 29th, 2007.

That particular time will never occur again.
Doesn't really mean much, but it's kind of weird if you look at it that way, huh? That every passing second is a fresh, new one and will only exist once, ever.

6: 56 and 0 seconds.

And counting.

They're flying past, at a rate of One Second per Second.
And they're never coming back.


-Zan

Drop 20.

Why Unchained Melody moves me so, I don't know.

It mostly lies in these two:
Wikipedia's description of the 'story' in the song:
"The lyrics, which describe a prisoner's anguished longing for his wife,"

And this portion of the lyrics:
"And time goes by
so slowly,
and time can do so much
are you
still mine"

They just make me feel all sad inside, not knowing if your wife has fallen in love with another man, while you remain trapped inside prison, unable to do anything, going mad not knowing what's going on out there.

And before I got the song, I only heard an instrumental version of it by Mantovani.. and just that little excerpt made me all sighy too. (This was about three months ago.)

And my friend just booked out of NS. He's booking back in today. I think he already has.
This kind've made me think of how maddening it would be, to be in NS for 2 years, almost confined from the outside world and unable to know what's going on out there, and missing the education that the damn girls are getting.
They say females can join NS too.
To any female reader reading this now: Would you join National Service? You do have the choice. Would you?


My friend says they can't blog about NS. Aw. I guess it's to prevent foreign nations from being 'prepared' for what Singapore's army has for attack (or defence).

I told him I was planning to live in extremely lousy conditions: eating simple food, sleeping in smaller periods, training a whole lot more and such two weeks prior to enlisting.
He said the following:

"NO"
"enjoy ureself as much as possible!"
"ENJOY!"

Heh.
It must be pretty bad there.
Well, I've still got a long way to go before then. I'll consider this post a reminder, then.

"And time... can do sooo muccchh... ... are you... ... still.. MIIINE"
: (

-Zan

FABERJOGGING.

Woke up at about 6.05 today, despite sleeping at about midnight the night before. Or maybe... this morning. Somewhere in there.

So I woke up and reminded myself that I wanted to go jogging on the weekend. (I wanted to, after eating so much and all.)

And so I showered.
And I changed.
And put on my socks.
And shoes.

And started running out on the road towards Mount Faber.
Woo.

I also helped this guy find Faber on the way back.

Coming back from Faber, up the hill to home, I thought of some weird little thingy while feeling the sweat in the hair on the back of my head:

Hairsweat means your hair's wet
Skinsweat means your skin's wet
And so on.

Get it?
Yes? No?

Well, have a good morning. I know I have.
CEREALTIME

-Zan

Schlump.

I've been feeling lazy these past few days.

Sleeping easily.

Waking up early on my own.
Waking earlier the later I sleep.

Just because Van thought it was amazing:
ON THE 15TH OF JANUARY 2007, MONDAY, I ("actually") CAME TO SCHOOL WITH SOCKS THAT WEREN'T OF THE SCHOOLS. BLACK SOCKS. TOE SOCKS.

And I thought on the walk up the hill to home:
Why is it that (well, to me,) when an Indian girl speaks English with a European/Caucasian accent, it sounds really... annoying (and arrogant), but when a Chinese girl speaks English with a European/Caucasian accent, she automatically becomes the hottest thing in the universe?

Strange.
(PS: Doesn't apply to Van, in my case. I'm used to her speaking, and only notice the 'accent' when I reiterate what she says with a guy voice. Again, strange.)

Hm. What's up tomorrow?
SS test (study for it)
POA thingy?
Oh, man. C4L lessons. Arrgh. Darn peanut.

And ZEST is in two days.
Awesome, it's gonna end.
More extras-

My religion: Whatever makes you happy. (Though I do favour the Clockmaker Hypothesis.)

About religion:
I think that humans will never really find the answer to the question of How It All Began. And not just the Earth, I mean All. How did God come to be? How did what made God be made (et cetera)? What caused the big bang? Is it all a loop? Why can't people like me just accept "God was just... there."? Will this all solve my easy-sleepiness? Is the answer No?

Which reminds me of an awesome paradoxical question I read once:

Is the answer to this question No?

Tis a muddled up post, 'tis.
Shlumpadump.

I hear their dog crying out from the balcony.
God it's sad.
Hearing it whine every night. Not being able to roam free like the other dogs.
Confined to the locked balcony, only able to see the night sky outside.
I wonder what it thinks.
What it would say.
Does a dog weep?
If it could, would its tears be seen?
Gah, there it goes again. IT'S SO TRAGIC.
All it wants is love.

All this sunken-feeling-ness makes me feel about her, for some reason.
Because she's the only thing I had for teenage 'romancery'? Only one who showed me le mushiness? Probably.
Till we meet again, I guess. Hope I don't forget you.


I wonder what Love feels like.
Why can't those who preach it describe it, huh Mariam? Huh Van?
Hmmm?
All people have to describe it is 'butterflies'. Or 'listening to more love songs'
Rr.

There goes the dog again.

Sigh.
..
Feeling emo sucks.
Thanks a lot, dog. You started it.

-Zan

Journal "Correct"ions.

"I enjoy playing soccer as it keeps me in shape, allows me to communicate with my friends and improves my sense of working and cooperating with others."

Marked version:

"I enjoy playing soccer as it keeps me in shape, allowing me to interact easily with my friends and improve friendship with others.

Why did she replace "allows" with "allowing"? What does keeping in shape have to do with INTERACTION?
ARG.
And isn't it supposed to be ".. and improves friendship.." instead of ".. and improve friendship.."?


I..
am SO self-sudying this year for.. 'Subject X'. Rrrr.
MISS LEE I MISS YOU.
VAN AND I MISS YOU.

But for now, I shall look like a good, untroublesome student and conform. And conform I will, until the hatred within builds a sculpture high enough within me to reach my mouth.

Also: Tonight is the first night ever that I will shave.
Sigh. Goodbye, good old firstbuds.

-Zan

RECALL

I thought of way back in Primary school, when we had one (very rare) conversation about Polys, JCs, and Where-Do-You-Want-To-Go.

It went something like..
"You want to go to Poly or JC after Secondary school?"
"Dunno leh..."
"You know in Poly don't need uniform but JC must need?"
"HAAA... really ah? Ok then I choose Poly"
"Set?"
"Set."

(Note: some of the horrible Singlish here is exaggerated, what with my vast knowledge of the creole language and all.)

If it only it was that simple now, heh.
We know too much to be happy (in short term).

I also realised how much the previous post made me less troubled about the extra 1 year given by being in the NA stream.
Of course, the only reason it's 'extra is because streams with 4 years exist. Grar.

Oh, and this morning (while I was showering) my mind somehow conjured up this poetic-sounding bunch of words which, as much as it will to you, confuses me:

Look past the sun, the moon, the stars
beyond the planets, Venus, Mars
Beyond it all, beyond the dark
Stark void unknown to us, so far
away that we shall never know
what do you see?
I see
me.


What the poem means,
I haven't the darndest clue. It just popped up in my head.

THRIVIN ON THE ABSOLUT RANDOMNESS, BABY

-Zan

Another 'I Just Noticed How..' moment. *exclamationmark*

I just noticed how much age gaps change in the way the are percieved as time goes on.

Around my age, a Sec one (age 13) would be a lot different than a Sec three (age 15).

But as they grow up and become adults, you'll have them be, say, 45 and 43 (the age gap still is 2 years).
And suddenly, they don't seem that far apart.


Still, I guess, that's not much of a surprise, with puberty and different levels of education seperating us at around this age. By your forties you'd have have a developed yet aged body, and had your education finished. You'd know about the same thing as your younger/older peers, only seperated by experience.
But then again, that could just be two years of being a baby earlier. Not much experience there; our memories usually don't go that far.

Hm..

and that brings me to another question: When, really, do we start being conscious/aware of our surroundings? And when do we know enough about them to start actually gaining 'experience'?

Just a pondering.
And a pondering sprouted from a pondering.
And now, I study for the SS that is to come tomorrow.

There's just something about Mr. Ooi that makes the class accept his telling us of a test on the second day we have SS lessons, instead of going "HAAaaaaaA.... WAH LAU EH"

Mm.
Neat.

-Zan

Erosion is Neat.

These are two of the several photos I took yesterday at the foot of the hill that goes up to Marang Road. Neat little erosion formations I spotted after the heavy rain.
I've even resized them to 1024 x 768 pixels, so I, and you, can use them as a Desktop wallpaper, which is what I have done. Woo.

Explanation for the slow:
The rocks were there, on the ground, and the rain came and washed away all the sand/earth that was around the rocks (the rocks/pebbles acted as 'umbrellas' to the sand beneath them), making the pebble/rocks look like they were on these.. hills. Neat, huh?

(FYI: They're not huge boulders, just pebbles that I took reeally close up. Here's a flipped version of the first picture, which I figure would be better for use as a wallpaper.)

-Zan

Small Things That Were Kinda Annoying, Today

What is it with these people that just stand at the foot of the escalators and just... talk there?! Heck, don't they get the clue from people pushing past them going "excuse me" already?

Also, on the roof of Vivo city, when I was entering the door leading to the roof, there was this woman standing right beside the door, smoking. I don't have a problem with that, but what annoyed me was that the wind on the roof was blowing the smoke across the door's opening, so you got a good direct inhalation of smoke when you entered.
I don't know if I should blame the wind, the woman or the clever person who put the garbage bin-with-a-cigarette-disposal-thing right beside the door.

And Christopher, you SUCK.
Even if I don't really feel angry at you now, YOU SUCK.
SUCK!
I WAITED AN HOUR.

Oh, just remembered: I hate it when people block the card-tappy-gates of the mrts because either
A) Their cards don't work, the screen tells them it doesn't work, but they keep trying.
B) They tap the card with their bags (With EZ-link card inside) but have too much stuff blocking the card from the scanner, and still persist to tapping it again and again.
C) They are tourists who don't know how the tappy-scanner (Or, if you desire fanciness: Card validator) works and keep tapping it on the glass screen.
ATTENTION TOURISTS.
I DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE OR ANYTHING, BUT WHERE YOU TAP IS












(Hopefully, tourists read this blog.)





(Yeah. right.)


Hm. Anything else to write? No?
Oh, just so I don't forget, I want to find the Fables series of comic books.
And Hunter S. Thompson books, if they can even be found in Singapore.
And those veggie fritter things from the bottom floor of Vivo are the SHIZNIT.

And now that I notice it, I really should have just titled this post "Annoying Things.", to save time and fingerwork.
(Fingerworkout!)

Which reminds me,
does anyone know how to train yourself to have complete control of your fingers and toes?
As in, the ability to curl your index toe downwards without moving the other toes.
And how to curl your pinkie completely inwards without moving the other fingers.
And various others.

And I've been starting too many sentences with the word 'And' here.

Relative pronoun

what

1. (nonstandard) that; which
   • 1902, J. M. Barrie, The Admirable Crichton

     That’s her; that’s the thing what has stole his heart from me.

I'm gonna start using the word "What" in that way more.
Sounds so much more... dramatic. And Shakespearean-ey.

"I shall use the cap what lies on the table."

"You are all what is putrid."

I'm feeling fancier already.

*dash*
*Zan*

-Zan

Squidge. Squidge.

Walked back home in the rain today, arrrr.

Surprisingly to myself, I didn't feel the usual Evil Anger that I felt when walking home in heavy, heavy storms.
I guess this is my new shoes' first experience of wetness. Had to come eventually, I guess.

My forehead is having faint traces of the usual Headache-After-Walking-In-Rain feeling. Uh oh.

Body, you better not get sick.
GO AWAY, HEADACHE. LAST THE HOUR. Or.. minute.

Zan

HAPPY TWELVE O' CLOCK ON THE FIRST OF JANUARY.

What I was doing on the first second of 2007:

Adjusting my watch to 12:00 at the exact time the people over at Vivo screamed "THREE... TWO.. ONE!"

Well, like Christmas, this year the New Year countdown was pretty dull. Olivia, Andrew and gang weren't here, there weren't as many fireworks as last year and, well, the 'spirit' just wasn't there.
Also, we forgot to bring the poppers and sparklers and stuff.

I wonder why we all consider the New Year something to be excited about. Something to be hyped about, to be anticipated. All it is is the completion of Earth's journey around the sun. Again. For the 2007th time. AD anyways.
Is it me, or has almost every event had itself some sort of party, or celebrative event.
Christmas party.
Birthday party. (Or are they the same thing, Christmas being the birthday of Christ anyway.)
Halloween party.
Dance party.
Dinner party.
Housewarming party.
Slumber party.
Et cetera.

I wonder where all our enthusiasm for these things went.
I didn't really celebrate (elaborately) my birthday.
I didn't really celebrate Christmas well.
And, as previously stated, I didn't really celebrate the New Year.

I guess we could say that age has made us see things as they really are. Or, sometimes, only are.
Birthdays are only just a mark of another year into your life, a checkpoint of life as time goes whizzing by.
And speaking about time, I've still got my English and Math homework to finish by this Wednesday, which is when school starts.
And that's just two days away.
Back to the uniforms, the fuzzy bumbling background chatter of students, Van and Devar, the teachers, the unspent minutes of recess, the polo trainings, the early sleep hours, the school life.
And I've still got to write that letter.
I hope I stick to my new daily timetable.
And with O-level Math and English planned, I'd better. Cutting my social life and leisure time off for studying, actually living up to Labor Omnia Vincit, actually aiming not to be the absolute best, but one of the top. (If not, better.)
And there still is Christopher's lessons.
And there may be Xiaolu.

Resolutions for 07:

+To complete my resolutions for 2006 in
2007:
- To work on my site more.
-To create an animation that lasts at least 1 minute.
-To learn a third language.
-To further improve my vocabulary.
-To figure out where I want to go and
what I want to do in life.
-To make a weekly schedule (And stick
to it, too.)

+To be in the top 5 in my level at the
end of the year.

+To improve on all my subjects.

+To especially improve on my Physics.

+To make MT passable.

+To somehow make studying enjoyable.

+To replace my leisure time with this
newfound enjoyable studying.

+To print out a Multiplication table to
the 100s, and an Exponentiation table to
the 12s.

+To update my blog more often.

+To prepare. (For whatever is required.)

+To only start watching the Avatar
episodes on Youtube in June. Or September.

+To read the newspapers a little more.

+To watch as little television as
possible, if at all.

+To improve my CONCENTRATION(!).

+To maintain complete abstinence.

Right now, my list of stuff to finish is:

The letter to Mdm Choy
English Asknlearn homework
English N level book thing.
Math TYS work.

And I just realised how annoying polo might seem to be, with the new sudying mentality I seek to adopt.
I guess I could push myself a little more every training, just to be fit.


Time to throw away that timetable.
Time to throw away enjoyment in resting.
Time to throw away impatience.
Time to forget distraction.
Time to save money.
Time to go kill some trees. (Hey, I'll be making a ton of notes.)